Proud of Me

Tuesday afternoon was Grayson's Kindergarten Orientation.

 I had a stomachache all morning long.

I forgot the paperwork on the dresser once, my coffee mug on the van twice, and lost my keys which were already in the ignition before 9a.m.

By the time I got the text from my husband at 1:30 that he had biked home and was showering I had broken a nail, panicked as the "low gas" light came on in my van, and scratched the bottom of my purse for gum or at least a pulverized mint. 

Finally, at ten past 2:00 (late again) Grayson, Abby and I pulled up to meet Andy in front of the elementary school.

I ran into the curb where my husband was standing.

My hands dropped keys, registration papers and sunglasses when I got out to let him park and meet us inside.

I led Grayson by the shoulder as we walked toward the biggest door in the universe.

Suddenly there was ice in my chest.

We found the end of the parent/child line and I tried to steady my hands long enough to scribble, "Grayson" on a nametag.   He looked up at me while I smoothed it on his superhero T-shirt. 

I needed to find a restroom to throw up but climbed the stairs toward the auditorium like the rest of us wide-eyed parents being ushered along like jittery sheep instead.

A lady with mouse brown hair and a sunny smile asked Grayson to line up with the other blue nametags.

They were taking the kids to their new kindergarten classroom while the parents sat to listen to blah blah blah wondering where the hell our children were going.

I let go of his hand, smiled reassuringly, and promised to come get him when they were finished.

It was all happening much too fast.

He lined up quickly and went with the others like he was supposed to.

 Without looking back.

I fumbled for a seat, then my breath, then my heart.

My baby is going to kindergarten.

Through hallways that never end.
With kids bigger than mine.
For hours that go on and on forever.
With teachers who go by their last name, not their first.

 Ready or not, my baby is going to kindergarten.

"Grayson, I'm so proud of you for today," I tell him before dinner.

"Then why are you crying, Mommy?"  

"Because I'm so proud of you for being ready for kindergarten, Bud, that's all."

Hugging me tightly my little man says to me in all his boyish wisdom, 

"Mommy? I'm so proud of you for letting me go."