My brain is still sorting through medical terms, hospital smells, and gut wrenching pangs all day long that get me sobbing all over again.
It still hasn't sunk in that our beautiful girl, Tillie, is gone.
As you know, Tillie did have a harrowing past with medical issues but she seemed healthy and in full recovery by the time she came to live with us. Nobody knew she had something called a diaphragmatic hernia brewing inside her. Some pets can live with those if they are benign enough. Some have a better chance at recovery if it is found early on.
In Tillie's case, tragically so, it wasn't found early on. Her accident or trauma happened many months ago and I can only guess she had so much going on recovering from c-section and her double hip surgeries that the diaphragmatic hernia was not seen. Nobody knew her body was growing adhesions that were literally attaching her intestines to her chest cavity by the day. Eventually her bowel twisted which caused a lethal obstruction and her lung capacity to be significantly compromised.
By the time she was showing signs of trouble, it was like finding out my baby was slowly suffocating from the inside.
That Sunday when I took her back to the vet's office for her follow up x-ray, before I understood about her hernia, I assumed we'd collect some medicine, maybe an enema and be on our way. I never for one second dreamed she would not be coming back home with me that afternoon much less ever again.
Sometimes I ask myself if I would do it over again, knowing what I know now. Knowing Tillie's insides were killing her. Knowing we would welcome her, adore her, and without any warning at all, suddenly lose her in such an awful way.
The answer is yes.
The answer will always be yes.
But Oh My God how I miss her now.
sprinkle them with glitter,
let them swim, buy the fancy bed, feed them ice cream, listen to them breathe,
let them wear the tutu,
drop your groceries to hug them first, walk with them,
watch them as they lay in the sun, make time only for them,
laugh with them on floor while you smother them with kisses, and let them know you would do anything on this earth to keep them safe until it isn't up to you anymore.
Then let them go where there won't be any more pain or suffering.
Dear Beautiful Magical Tillie. We all love and miss you more every day.
You are taking so many of us with you as you go.