Taking Back the Night

I'm so freakin tired, ya'll. My husband is freakin' tired. My dog is yawning nonstop. Why? Because Grayson still refuses to go to bed at a normal toddler bedtime. Read: We are weak and give in to his procrastination techniques like big fat lemmings of the sea.

Tonight's Mission because we must accept it (or lose yet another round of sound sleep, adult time and general good will in this house) is to get this child to sleep in his own bed. In his own room. All night long.

So Dear Grayson, we love you and it is because we love you that you will go to bed in your own room, in an actual bed with pillows and blankets (not fake camping with a sleeping bag and a blow-up pillow thing) this evening. We know you are "afraid" of your room and you know what? We're sorry. We're sorry but we're freakin' tired and you're gonna meet those dragons tonight and slay them or be slayed. Good luck with that. We have faith you'll come out the victor. If how immaculately well you've played your parents is any indication of your fighting instincts, that dragon will run off with its scaley tail tucked between its giant legs whimpering like a field mouse within seconds. You know, just like your parents.

Furthermore, Good Son, we're not going to be okay with you sleeping in non traditional forms of a bed because we've entertained these options and short of climbing into the oven or television set, you have bedded down all over this house and still do not shut your eyes completely until 11pm. Therefore, you will not sleep in a tent because that really only buys your exhausted parents 12 extra minutes of non Grayson time. You show up with tears in your eyes on the 13th minute claiming your room gives you a headache. So your new hardcore parents will not show their yellow bellies and allow you to sleep on a pad next to our bed because we're no longer happy to mute the bad words from Housewives as it's so much less funny that way. And while we're making things clear, my Sweet Insomniac, you may not sleep on a sleeping bag in the hallway because well that's just a glorified dog bed and you're a three year old child. Not a 38 pound Cocker Spaniel. Although that would be cool.

Mong'sters or not, you're staying in your own room. All. night. long. So help me God.

Please help me God?

*****
A moment of silence now if you will for the Squishy Soft parents this boy once had. They have given their minds over to the hardcore-don't even try it- Super Nanny- We're Big, You're Small HaHa- mindset and will not relinquish our power to lock his little Procrastinating Excellence in his room if it must come to that. (I'm guessing it's going to come to that.)

Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers.

Please send Tootsie Pops and hot dogs for the children in lieu of flowers should we not make it through the night.

Or lots of vanilla flavored cream cups for copious amounts of decaf coffee in celebration of a good night's sleep if we do.