12 on, 12 on

On an aircraft carrier there is a method of working called 12 on, 12 off. Basically it's when you work for 12 straight hours and then you have the next 12 hours off. This phrase, for some reason, has not left my brain for the last 24 hours. Instead of 12 off, however, my mind keeps saying, "12 on, 12 on. 12 on, 12 on." Repeat.

This is what parenting is for so many of us. For me included. I'm not throwing myself a pity party because for one my house isn't spotless enough for a soiree of any sort and for two, I have more family and friends with far greater issues than being tired. It's not a major catastrophe but it does do a Jedi mind trick on me sometimes. Sometimes all this being "on" constantly wears me to a small chewed up sniveling useless nub. I feel void of charm, loveliness, and personality. I become robotic, automatic, and worst of all negative. My thoughts become "Do not" instead of "Do." My ideas become, "Can't because" instead of "Can and how." There has to be some surefire way of working through these parental lows that doesn't involve massive amounts of caffeine (check) and/or therapy (check minus).

Mostly, I am disappointed that I'm not able to rise above the monotony and be the best at this stay-at-home raising children thing all the time. For my mind, there isn't one good reason I should not succeed at this and come back for seconds. It's not like I'm pining for my old job. Once upon a time I was a teacher. I loved those kids but never felt like I truly belonged in front of a classroom. While being a teacher filled me immeasurable pride I was far less awesome at the planning, organizing, grading (you know, the teaching part) side of it. I loved my students more than I ever thought possible and this is where I found the pride because every single one of them knew it. I could tell in their faces when they saw me that they saw just how important they were to me. And they were. They still are. (I'm rambling but allowing it to see where this post ends up without me governing the direction.) I still talk with many of my former students through facebook, email, and telephone. They were a huge part of my life then and for me to see them succeed (and sometimes struggle) as adults is a feather in my post-teacher cap. If back in the classroom isn't where I want to be, then where? Then what? Then why?

It's because of the 12 on, 12 on approach I'm taking to parenting. Has to be. Worn, tired, and spent doesn't lend itself to being incredibly interesting as a parent. There are other ways of doing this. Have to be.

12 on, 12 on. Not on an aircraft carrier and not so much here either.