The doorbell rang mid-afternoon and I answered it.
I never ever do that unless expecting someone but today the dogs were howling so I glanced through the peephole to find a pretty innocuous lady standing on my front doorstep. She was there sweating her tookus off while looking somewhat distressed (red flag no.1) so I cracked the door open.
She wanted to know if I could buy a few boxes of meat and/or fish from her meat/fish truck parked next door. You see, an elderly lady pushed the order button twice and only meant once and well, now, NOW there is all this extra meat/fish melting away in the back of her truck that she cannot return.
Why not? Why is this meat perishable and nonreturnable? You'd think I would've asked. (red flag no.2)
Nobody else was home, you see, and she was hauling these heavy boxes filled with meat/fish up to my driveway to show me what she could give to me at cost. (red flag no.3)
This very nice overheated and now noticeably tattooed lady went through all the trouble to tear them open with her bare hands, describing each one at length in case I wanted to make meatballs out of the ground sirloin patties instead of just burgers for my family.
The kids so love their meatballs.
I listened politely in front of a door that was still howling with now an urgent high pitch G note wafting through the living room. Abby isn't much of a howler but wanted to play along too.
The lady went on undeterred from the warning of many beasts unhappy without their fearless leader.
Their leader who was eying up plastic wrapped frozen solid salmon cakes, crab legs, T-bone steaks, sirloin patties, haddock, flounder, dolphin, Orca, you name it - all very good with Jim Beam's marinade that you should probably just go ahead and get from Giant.
Surely I saw through this ex convict and sent her and her millions of hermetically sealed salmonella on her way.
Surely I am that smart.
Or maybe you all would like to join us this weekend for the biggest baddest fish fry our backyard grill can handle.
Fish Fry. Our house. Bring your forks and some extra Jim Beam marinade. We're gonna need it.