Friday, September 14, 2012

a letter to everyone i never call

dear everyone i never call on the phone anymore,

holy sh*t, do i miss you.

i'm sorry i haven't called back yet.  you already know why.  my children won't let me.  they bay at my forehead like bloodthirsty vampires if i so much as glance at the phone.  it's like they know i'm trying to escape.

i cannot believe they still want to play with me.  or try.  are the 5-7 minute long ninja fights and/or tea parties  once a week really enough to sustain interest in me as a valuable play mate?

vampire babies are poor judges of character.

must be the faces i make when i talk with friends.  they don't bother the daddy when he's on the phone- the daddy who is all serious, frown-brow-y, and official.  he's not on a business call, he's talking to pete about bow hunting.  or maybe it's his uniform.  the daddy looks tall, camouflaged, and important.  paisley jammy bottoms and rainbow socks do not exactly make them think i'm on my way to a board meeting.

you'd think all the floor laying, eye-averting, my head hurts why are you yelling please go over there zero body contact after 4pm would be evidence enough that i'm no fun anymore.

evidently, i need to change strategies.  the vampirelings are resilient to apathy.

i tried face-time.  it's disturbing for the other person.  hard to know what to say to a grown woman who clearly has not mastered speaker phone.  the voices in the background (vampirelings) explode and smash together with voices in the foreground (face-timers).  everyone is left smiling awkwardly and hoping someone's battery dies just to end that which hurts to watch.

so you, everyone i never call, please know how much i miss you and yearn to hear your voice again.

it's just not safe.  the vampirelings haven't lifted their curfew quite yet.  it's coming though, the school year is making them weak again;  i even saw one of them fall asleep in broad daylight at 4pm.  the sun shown on her lily white skin while her tired body began to twitch slightly, nearly giving in to an afternoon nap.

until i reached for my cell phone.

vampirelings.  they don't want rainbow toes to escape. 

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