Friday, February 3, 2012

The Marine's Daughter

Daddy is home and he is giving me ten minutes to myself.  In Parent Speak that means I'm in Time Out because it's Friday and I have spent Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday using my nice person voice while the other person resurfaces spitting, cussing, and waving a pirate flag of crossbones and skeletons above her mohawk.

So while The Daddy bathes Abby he is also (simultaneously) checking on Grayson who is downstairs face down on the couch.   Why face down on the couch, you may ask?  Let me set the scene:

Tonight at 6:15 pm -

Husband knocks on the door. (He has a key.  It's middle age flirt.)


I open the door Pretend Sexy Ghost style which means I'm hiding behind for no apparent reason. (Again sadly, middle age flirt.) 

Abby runs of course butt naked toward the door yelling "Dadeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" at the tippy top of her lungs.

Sadie runs break neck speed down the stairs like a herd of ninety small children trying to catch the Ice Cream Man.


Grayson is sitting on the stairs and gets whapped in the face by Sadie's tail.

This is where I psychotically giggle while writing the words, IN THE EYEBALL HE WAS WHAPPED YOU GUYS.


Pretend Sexy Ghost runs upstairs to her safe blog place where nobody: has scraped corneas, cries, runs around butt naked (exceptions please hush your mouth), needs me to cut up the chicken they won't eat anyway because somehow they are living off the gift of speech and pixie dust.

So Abby's now in the bath and I hear her say, "Daddy, I have to go potty.  Daddy, I have to go potty.  Daddy, I have to go potty."  Apparently, three times the charm because Daddy came a running back to the bathroom to lift her to the potty. (Remember he was with the exorcist writhing between couch pillows downstairs.)
Back down to the moaning groaning Grayson he went.

A few minutes later from the bathroom, I hear:  Daddy, wipe me!  Daddy wipe me!  Daddy, wipe me!  

Nothing.  No footsteps.  Even I was rivited.  Where was The Daddy?  Who will have to wipe her?  Will Pretend Sexy Ghost have to resurface and do the dirty deed?  Will Grayson ever blink his eyes in time to avoid certain peril and Sadie tails?  Will Madonna body surf everyone at Superbowl halftime show?

Then I hear this:  Daddy, will you wipe me?  Daddy will you wipe me, Daddy will you wipe me please now, Sir? 

And the man came running.  

Hoorah, Abby.   You have figured out the impossible.  You have figured out how to get a Marine to wipe your bum.  Good job, Baby.


pajama mom said...

"living off the gift of speech and pixie dust"
love it.

OSMA said...

With two girls I'm betting you have been there more than me. Bless you and your eardrums.