Going Green

In an effort to save the earth from more hot air poisoning its atmosphere, I've compiled a list of things I will no longer say to my children. Because really, it doesn't benefit anyone, least of all Al Gore.

1.) Stop that. OR - Stop that right now. OR - Stop that or I'm going to sing that Sugarland song you dislike so much...with full on twang and Tomato Basil Wheat Thin breath.

2.) What do you want for dinner? I think in all honesty, this is a rhetorical question because I am not making Salt Cheese with Peanut Butter Frosting (again).

3.) Where is your other shoe? - This phrase is gasoline for your turbo engines that inspires you both to run concentric circles around the dog, the car, or the house itself in a fake effort to round up missing shoe that was last seen in/around/near none of the places you are actually searching. It is always in a toy basket (at the bottom of it to be more precise). One time the fireplace but that was the exception, not the rule.

4.) Do you have to go to the bathroom? - To Grayson- Although it's hard to ignore the possibility that you could in fact pinch off your boy parts with that lock you have on your male member, you maintain that you do not have to go. Right. See you in the laundry room with your soggy shorts in 5. To Abby still in diapers - I love that you answer this question with the word "poopie?" no matter when I ask.

5.) Okay, Goodnight! - This phrase alone has probably contaminated the ozone on more levels than any metal factory or smoggy city combined. By being repeated at minimum 15 times per night, a more accurate phrase would be, "Okay, I'm going to be a pawn in your game of Stallopoly and stand here answering questions about Batman and yogurt pops until So You Think You Can Dance comes on."

6.) Come here. - They never do.

7.) Who wants ice cream? - Simply put, has to be the dumbest question ever. Anyone under age 4 ever said "No" to this question in the history of time?

8.) Anyone fed the dog? - Anyone feed the fish? Anyone pay the bills? Anyone apply for your own college scholarship? No Sweet Cheeks, they are babies. Generally speaking three year olds and 18 monthers are not responsible for much more than their sippy cups and snack packs. Man up, Sunshine.

9.) I'm so tired. - They know.

10.) You guys stay down here because Mommy has to run upstairs for 30 seconds. - What the kids and dog hear: PLEASE COME WITH ME... I CANNOT BE WITHOUT YOU FOR THAT DURATION OF TIME, there is absolutely NO way I will find my earrings, perfume, or sandals without you. Probably mostly due to the fact that you hid them all while I was feeding the dog, looking for your other shoe and complaining about how tired I am.