Today I questioned absolutely everything I did from the time I woke up until just 2 minutes ago. This day was proof that I could not get my game face on and march forward enthusiastically. We were all over the place because mentally, I was all over the place today. Some days I just don't know if this is how things should be done. If this mothering, staying at home to mother thing, walking around the neighborhood searching for sunshine and peace mothering thing is the way things should be done. Today I felt like a crumpled up piece of newspaper that just kept getting smushed tighter and tighter into a ball that would bounce if you dropped me hard enough on your kitchen counter. Sometimes I just want to be dropped on the kitchen counter so at least I'd have an actual direction to go into even if that direction is just toward the band-aids.
Parenting is hard. We know. I got the memo too. Mothering is impossible. We know. I read books. Nobody is normal; we're all freaks because of our mothers and we love them relentlessly anyway (thank God). Most of the time the hard part of this job can be a sweet chorus in the back of my brain making me proud that I get through the days fulfilled, exhausted, and happy instead of a booming electric symphonic orchestra beating me to a pulp with indecision and lack of direction like today.
Then I read this and felt instantly better. There really is comfort in mothering when you know you're not alone and really great moms question their decisions, or lack thereof, too. Our grass is green and lush and most of the time, we know it.
Thank you, CRK. Toldya, I totally needed that.