Can't Read My Poker Face

Along with this holiday weekend came a beautiful golden opportunity for the hubby and I to escape to dinner, to lunch, or to grab a coffee. With this newly given freedom we hemmed and hawed, lamented and deliberated until we came up with the lamest date of all, a book store.

Once there, I stood around perusing the children's reading section while the hubby visited the restroom. My exact words were, "I'll be pretty much here, honey." And then he disappeared into the world of urinals and flipped up toilet seats.

5 minutes pass. "Reading Comprehension for your Preschooler." Nope, not yet. G's just now becoming interested in letters; I don't want to burn him out before he even gets going.

10 minutes pass. Wow, that coffee must've really hit Andy. Oh look, cute pencil holders with birds and turtles. I love the combination of birds and turtles. So sweet. School supplies already. Weird. I kind of miss it. Wonder if I'll ever get back in the classroom? Probably not public school again...loved teaching private so much even if the pay isn't always the greatest. Better to be happy than to be fat in the wallet. Wait...is it? Yes, we're fine. I have to pee.

15 minutes pass. Sheesh, did he get stuck in a stall without TP? Man, that's the worst. I hope that didn't happen. Ah, an entire table of brand new journals. The delicious covers are selling themselves to me a million times over...

20 minutes pass. All right, this is crazy. Did he find a secret tunnel and run away from home? Maybe I should check on him. I should check on him. Let's check the CD section first, maybe he's in there. Adele! I love her! Does anyone buy CDs anymore? I still haven't listened to my ipod yet. When the hell am I ever going to listen to my ipod? Will there ever be a time when I won't need both ears to hawk out for crying, smashing, or an impromptu dog vs. toddler brawl?

22 minutes pass. I'm going in there. He might've been held up by a book store pirate. Could've gotten himself in trouble and I'm the only one who knows where he is. Should I knock? I'm just going to go in unannounced. Why is that guy looking at me? Oh hey! Lady Gaga's new release! I'm just not sure how I feel about her. So bizarre and distracting. Is it a facade to cover up for lack of talent? But the girl has pipes so what's the deal? Probably a gimmick. With this economy.... "Can I help you ma'am?"

What? Yes, my husband is trapped in the head and is being held hostage by the Poopie Brigade. Do you think you could be a doll and check on him since you're a dude and all? Just peep in and tell him his wife is worried about him.
"No, thank you. I'm just browsing."

30 minutes pass. Seriously, this is insane. That man went into the bathroom a half hour ago and still has not come out! A public restroom!! What is going onl?!? I'm going to have to go talk to management and see if they can contact Barnes & Noble security. Something's amiss. 30 freakin minutes in a public bathroom? He'd dead. Obviously, he's bleeding at the mouth and was bound and gagged and that's why he hasn't come out to meet up with me yet. Let me go see if I can find someone with a name tag. First, I'll check the aisles again.

Lo and behold, in the magazine section I find my husband. He was 27 pages deep into a hunting magazine with mouth agape and body hunched over in total ensconcement. A kid in a candy shop. Or an older kid in a strip club, not sure which. There was this kind of sweet contentment mixed with curious lust on his face. I wasn't sure if I should interrupt or let him enjoy this moment.

"What the balls? You've been here the whole time? I had you for lost at sea and gone forever. And I've never even listened to my ipod once."

"You? Wha?" he tore his gaze from the pages.

"Nevermind. I'm going to be in the cookbook section. To clarify, that means you should walk over to get me when you are finished here." Damn, when did I become such a shrew?

So there we were, on our book store date and he was in one wing of the store and I was in another. Excellent. Wasn't it yesterday when we drove five hours each at the end of the week just to smooch and cuddle for a lazy Saturday? Wasn't it last week when we held hands while walking through the park with our newly adopted Sadie dog? Nope, it was years ago and this is what happens when a man and a woman go to a place without first talking about it. I thought we were on a fun couple outing together. He thought he was at the book store. We were both right. We were both wrong. Welcome to marriage. Now, where was that Lady Gaga CD?