For Real

Sometimes blog posts air only the clean laundry.  Most of mine do too.  This one, however, is different. 

Welcome to My Very Narcissistic Confessions:

1. Long nails feel horrid on me even though I know they are prettier.  I cut mine short despite the heartache this causes my husband.
2. My husband and I are much kinder to each other through texts.  We never have deep conversations in person.  Maybe that's a good thing but it has me wondering.
3. Snuggling with my dogs is often more appealing than snuggling with my children.  My dogs don't make me tickle them, smell their feet, or get their blanket/pillow/favorite lovey while we snuggle.  I do all those things for my dogs but they never ask.
4. Missing my mom really sucks from here.
5. Don't even get me started on Jimmy.
6. Every day I wake up and remind myself this could be the day I die.  Macabre perspective maybe but... I am kinder with my words in case they're the last ones my kids hear.  I feed the dogs in case Andy forgets.  I tell people what I really think in case they wonder and wonder after I'm gone.
7. Sometimes I think I will be counting the seconds before I expire and those will be the last thoughts my conscious mind will have.  1 - 2 - 3...how awful.  What a waste.  Let it be a movie reel of memories instead.  Or a peek into what's next.
8. I no longer worry about things that don't matter in the long run.
9. I've come to understand not many things matter in the long run.
10. Daily workouts are not a priority over walking my dogs.  I'm proud of this.
11. Friends of mine probably wonder why I never call them back.
12. It's because I seriously despise long telephone conversations where I have to remember things in chronological order about my week/day/year.
13. My brain doesn't put anything in order.  It's like a mosaic of dreams up there.  Lists help me pretend to be normal like you.
14. Life is really hard every day.
15. But it's also exponentially beautiful.
16. Few people step up to the plate of your expectations.  Lower your expectations.
17. I read maybe three blogs regularly and comment on one only sometimes.
18. That probably makes me a douche.
19. I'm ok with that (see #8).
20. My "empath-ness" picks friends for me.  If our chemistry is off, my senses know before my brain does.  Works online too.
21. Every day I naturally love my children like my mom loved my brother and me as little kids.  She spoiled us in kisses and physical affection.
22. I cannot cook worthash*t.
23. I do not stop trying.
24. PMS makes me hate myself and maybe others momentarily.
25. I have to try very hard to be "in the moment" with my children because my stay-at-home boredom levels have reached a new high.
26. My husband dreams of climbing mountains, living in Colorado, and running a marathon.  I dream of leaving home for three to seven days by myself with cute scarves, nice boots, and my Nikon.
27. Another dream of mine is to have a photography/art store one day where I sell my own photos, my friends' art, and refurbished furniture.
28. I can literally spend hours in consignment stores turning over everything in search of nothing at all.
29. I'm super talented at not running into people during the day.  It's like I've been accidentally honing my loner skills over the years and now I have to try to run into people during the day.  Most of the time that doesn't even work and I end up at the gym/supermarket/Taco Bell virtually alone.
30. I'd totally have another kid this week.  But probably not next week.
31. Moody is not more interesting.  I find it scary. 
32. I appreciate your point of view and respectfully decline your advice 90% of the time.
33. Jealousy is a useless emotion. Who gives a rat's bumbum what that other girl is up to?  Celebrate her because she's bravely living her life too.  There is no prize for the best anything at the end of anyone's song.
34. Snails fascinate me.
35. Sports bore me to tears.
36. I love tattoos even though I don't have one.
37. Sometimes I get to the register, pay, and walk out completely shocked that my bill was astronomically high because I am that bad at math.
38. Just because I like you doesn't mean I trust you.
39. I've been waffling in my faith lately.  Sometimes it's easier for me to believe this life is it, The End than it is to be a better human every single damn day.  Mostly, I can't get over the idea that God is exclusive whatsoever.  Not my God, he's good like that. 
40. Most days I refuse to care for myself properly (do not look directly at my eyebrows).
41. There is nothing worse in the world than tight clothes.  Not even fire ants.  I'd let fire ants sting me over wearing a tightly fitted dress for hours on end.
42. I expect Abby to get over this tactile sensitivity even when I can't.
43. Meditating and Praying finally feel different to me.  Losing Jimmy changed that.
44. Losing Jimmy changed everything.
45. The Bible has me quite curious but so does Tibet.
46. I believe I could have a meaningful conversation with Abraham Lincoln and Cat Stevens.
47. Automatically, I love people who call me Baby or Honey.  Even men. 
48. Popsicle sticks make me cringe.
49. Sometimes I want to wear scrubs at preschool pickup too.
50. Authentic doesn't always mean organic but the earth is a wise fruit.
51. See, I told you.  Mosaic of dreams. 

Got any narcissistic confessions of your own?

The floor is open.