Friday, September 13, 2013

Julia Roberts for a Day

Do you ever have buyer's remorse?

Oh my goodness, do I.

Today, in fact.  I needed to purchase a new something to hold up my somethings better than my jogging tops do.

Easy breezy, right?  You go in.  Try a few on.  Choose one that doesn't turn your bosom into a shelf for your chin.  Pay for it.  Walk out happier for having fitted underthings for your somethings.

Only holy bovines, did it all fall apart for me today.

First of all, I must've been shopping in the teaching hospital of undergarment stores because my nice fitting lady brought a helper.  A student.  A grasshopper under her wise womanly tutelage.  So there we are, all three grown women in a cubicle smaller than the bathroom stalls in Panera Bread. 

And then I was supposed to remove my top things.

Oh wow.  Maybe I'll come back later.  When I'm a size 6 and have petite vanilla kisses to work with instead of well, these magnetic pulls of the earth's core.

"Here, Honey.  Just pull up like this and reach back there and yank those puppies into the cup."

Sure.  I will need some Neosporine, gauze, and a wide headed needle for the suturing.  Do you have any cotton thread in taupe?

"That's it, Sugar.  You got 'em in.  Now let me close you up in the back."

I'm sorry, I didn't know a lung removal was going to be necessary to fit into your garments, ma'am. 

"And this one has a really nice effect.  You can r-e-a-c-h behind your shoulders (I can?  Since when?) and make a T-back with this here cute little J-hook."

Oh no.  I'mma T Boz with my cute little left hook, SisterFriend.  It's on.

"Ok, what do you think?"

I think I look like the star of the Ravens defensive line.

"And if you'd like, I can bring a few more in black to try on."

Yes.  I can wear those to your funeral.  Or mine.  The one that might be tomorrow if Andy catches this price tag.  Dear Gawd, who shops here?  The Duchess and Wils?  I bet she doesn't even look nice in J-hooks.

"Ok, Dawlin', I'm gonna let you visit with this one for a bit while I get the others."

Visit is about right.  It's the only way me and this bra will ever get any time together since I cannot afford your free mints in this ritzy brothel.

Well Ladies, how do you like the good life?  Is it all you thought it would be?  Is the oxygen better up here?  Hmmm, this one kind of give me cleavage.  Whoah décolletage Twinsies.  Helllooo Date Night.  Hahahaha, look at you two all hugging like old friends.  I'm sorry for the lonesome hiatus, Ladies...

"Did you decide, Hun?"

"Yes! I have decided to take this one!"

"Good choice.  That's one of our high end garments.  Limited Edition."

Could you please get me one in black?  I'm going to need it.  


Andrea Mowery said...

This is hilarious! Bra shopping with a partner or two is the worst. Did you really apologize to your girls for keeping them apart for so long? On second thought, don't answer that.

OSMA said...

Hi Andrea! Thanks for reading and commenting. You might not be shocked to know that bra went back the next day. I made Andy return it while I sat giggling in the car. Builds marital character.