Friday, August 24, 2012

Sleepy Girl

I thought I wanted to write tonight.

But mostly I want to come clean about some things I feel have been misleading on my part.

First thing is I am not the overly optimist I might seem on this blog.  It takes all I am to come up with good things to say some days but it's been a goal of mine not to whine or complain much about my life.  I have it good and I am grateful for that.  This blog helps me pull out my blessings like a golden thread in a ball of dirty yarn.  This place helps me honor those moments so I can remember things differently.  Not as I live them; oh hell no I don't want to remember them that way.  As I try to live them before my own chemistry gets in the way.

I am in this hole right now.  Climbing out of it, to be sure, but this pit is as tall as it is wide.  Just when the yellows, pinks, and tangerines of new light peek over my cozy dark den, I lose my footing and fall right back down to the hard cold gray chop below.  It's a sucky place to be.

I've done what I can to not take the drugs someone might prescribe for me when I show up in their chair.  I hear they are lovely but I don't want to tempt the talisman. 

I've exercised my way to a healthy mind but then, when I can't figure out where my children end and where I begin, that is no longer an option.

There are so many things to do to climb out of a place like this.  I've done my homework:
  • hire a sitter
  • go to the gym
  • practice yoga
  • take pictures
  • eat well
  • get a good night's sleep
The problem is that by the time you're here again, you just want to sleep.  Your body is convinced its as tired as your brain. 

I'm so tired, you guys.  Or at least I think I am.

There is no drill sergeant in my head anymore.  The only thing remaining is a soft voice telling me to lay down and rest.  It's what I want more than writing now. 

And that's how I know I'm not myself. 

Will be back to this space after a short break.  Trying out some new techniques to replace my inner spark plugs.  Leaving some air time for a bit so I can figure this out and get back to feeling less sleepy.  It will happen, I just want to give myself permission to have writer's block for now.

I hope you understand.

Thank you for reading, I'll be back soon.



Anna See said...

sending you love, from my couch to yours! how about-- hire a sitter and get some coffee w/ME???? ok, so i'd never be accused of being an anti-depressant....


A Speckled Trout said...

I am sure this was hard to write, but you are honest which makes you a good writer. Get better. I'll be waiting until then. xoxoxoxo times a bunch :)

OSMA said...

Dear Anna, that sounds like a wonderful outing away from our couches. Name the week, I will pay a sitter handsomely to escape for a coffee with you. I once was accused of being an anti-depressant...until I wrote this ;) xoxoxo

A Speckled Trout, Hi. It was actually harder not writing it. Felt inauthentic to you all (and myself) getting on here and avoiding it. I'm good at getting myself back on track so please don't worry. (Walked both dogs in the rain to start. We all smiled.) Thank you for waiting, it won't be a long. xoxo times a bushel

A Speckled Trout said...

Why is walking a dog so cathartic? I don't know but I do it every day.

I wish I could join you and Anna for coffee. I'm always looking for a reason to leave Kansas even if it's just for an hour. True story.

JRitz said...

Everyone goes through thoses phases. So you are not alone. Take care of you self.

OSMA said...

A Speckled Trout - What kind of dog? I have been thinking about why it's so cathartic and I think I have the answer. Because there is consistent (if you're lucky) forward motion and no discussion about it. Sometimes it's good to talk. Other times, it's better to walk a dog. :) If you ever to come to DC you have a place to stay. Bring your earplugs. And your dog. :)

JRitz - It's so true and so sad. Something's desperately wrong with our system here that does not include siestas. Or sister wives. Or hell at this point, I'd be okay with opiates. Just kidding. About the sister wives, obvs. ;)