Andy and I are taking our first trip away from the children.
Really away. Like Nashville, TN for five days and four nights away.
My obsessive compulsive behaviors tonight have been opening the freezer to look at the ice cream, cleaning the playroom over and over again and rubbing mirrors with the underside of my T-shirt.
My Ninjas (in-laws) are taking care of the kids so that's not why I'm worried.
I'm worried because I need my kids, not because they need me. I know. What a screwed up thing to say but there it is.
I mom (v.). That's my job. It's what I do with every hour of my every day life in Momville and I love it that way.
There are other little tidbits of time I steal away to play guitar, wrestle with Tillie, snuggle Sadie, or tap out a post but mostly I am my kids' mom. My functions exist based on their needs. Breakfast tooth brushing wait for the washcloth I said wait please lunchboxes don't forget your lunchboxes dinner ohmyhell why must you people eat past 4pm trampoline don't use that bat in the trampoline honey it will maim your sister bathtime stories rocking blankets kisses love you stay in bed no really please stay or i will yell and wake up the neighbors no really i'm not kidding stop talking please now goodbye, i mean goodnight again. love you.
So yeah....not sure I will know how to act without the two little needy chipmunks gnawing on my nerves with their eternal quest to postpone independence.
I'm also not sure I've retained other life skills. Like getting dressed for a concert. What the balls do people wear that aren't eventually going to end up on a treadmill? I hear the 80s have made a comeback. Should I dig out some stirrup pants and shoulder-shirts?
And chatting with other adults who don't want to discuss strep throat cultures, preschool graduation, and
poopie pains? What do those other people talk about? Mitt Romney? (His wife seems nice.) Job promotions? (I'll stick with words like: region, managerial, and collective efforts.) Phillip Phillips? (I'm good if we're all still talking about him. I really hope we're still talking about him.)
Oh, you guys, I almost forgot. There is one more thing that worries me about leaving my babies.
Tillie. She is a real escape artist. I have become the Alcatraz of my street in trying to keep her well secured. My Ninjas are a-m-a-z-i-n-g but I cannot fully expect them to keep tabs on an Abby, a Grayson AND an disappearing dog. (Again, only Tillie is the concern. We cannot pay Sadie in biscuits to leave. One benefit of her separation anxiety, she's a stayer.) Tillie is super stealth about escaping too. One second she's on the stairwell then poof! She is trot a lolling up the street to see a man about a horse.
So, please if you we're real life friends, could you call my house number every day from tomorrow until Sunday asking if Tillie is here? It will serve as a friendly reminder for my in-laws. And then they'll unplug the phone, text my husband that his wife is certifiable, and call all his pretty ex girlfriends who live close by. And worse yet? I'll never know if Abby ate her veggies or if Grayson drank his water.
OMG. I'm never going to make it four nights and five days, am I?
Who does this? Who worries about their children a little and their dog a lot? Probably Bethenny Frankl. She's a holy mess just like me so that would be like her to worry more about Cookie than Bryn. I'm glad we're in therapy. Or she just is and I watch for free consultation. I love that guy. He is so patient with us.
Okay, breathing in and out. It's all going to work out. Abby will have 12,359,082,378,299 tea parties with Nammy. Grayson will have constructed Noah's arc out of recycled milk jugs with Pop. Sadie will occupy our bathtub like a good little weirdo.
And Tillie Banger will hopefully listen to my nightly pleas to "Come back to us," if she decides she must answer the Call of her Wild.
I should've microchipped her.
Okay, I'll get a grip and leave you with a text I got from my sweet husband who is obviously the sane one in the relationship. He's my Jason. Thank goodness for testosterone. All this estrogen is exhausting.
At least one of us is going to have a good time.
P.S. Please call.
P.S.S. Anyone want me to find a country music artist for them? Miranda Lambert fans? Her hubs, Blake Shelton maybe? Martine McBride? She might be tough to get next to. How about Little Big Town? Lady Antebellum? They are all gonna be there, you should see this crazy list of artists at this Country Festival. Just let me know in the comments and I will do my best to get an autograph or at least a credible photobomb.