Friday, June 29, 2012

Heartbroken

Last weekend was an absolute nightmare.

My brain is still sorting through medical terms, hospital smells, and gut wrenching pangs all day long that get me sobbing all over again.

It still hasn't sunk in that our beautiful girl, Tillie, is gone.

 



 She had emergency surgery Sunday afternoon, survived that, and passed quietly in her recovery room overnight just like the doctor said she might.




As you know, Tillie did have a harrowing past with medical issues but she seemed healthy and in full recovery by the time she came to live with us.  Nobody knew she had something called a diaphragmatic hernia brewing inside her.  Some pets can live with those if they are benign enough.  Some have a better chance at recovery if it is found early on.




In Tillie's case, tragically so, it wasn't found early on.  Her accident or trauma happened many months ago and I can only guess she had so much going on recovering from c-section and her double hip surgeries that the diaphragmatic hernia was not seen.  Nobody knew her body was growing adhesions that were literally attaching her intestines to her chest cavity by the day.  Eventually her bowel twisted which caused a lethal obstruction and her lung capacity to be significantly compromised.


 
 
 

By the time she was showing signs of trouble, it was like finding out my baby was slowly suffocating from the inside.

That Sunday when I took her back to the vet's office for her follow up x-ray, before I understood about her hernia, I assumed we'd collect some medicine, maybe an enema and be on our way.  I never for one second dreamed she would not be coming back home with me that afternoon much less ever again.

Sometimes I ask myself if I would do it over again, knowing what I know now.  Knowing Tillie's insides were killing her.  Knowing we would welcome her, adore her, and without any warning at all, suddenly lose her in such an awful way. 

The answer is yes.

The answer will always be yes.

But Oh My God how I miss her now.





There isn't enough time on earth to cherish those you love.  Don't waste one second.  Lay with them in the hallway,



sprinkle them with glitter, 



let them swim, buy the fancy bed, feed them ice cream, listen to them breathe,


 


let them wear the tutu,





drop your groceries to hug them first, walk with them,






watch them as they lay in the sun, make time only for them,



 


laugh with them on floor while you smother them with kisses, and let them know you would do anything on this earth to keep them safe until it isn't up to you anymore.




Then let them go where there won't be any more pain or suffering.



 



 

Dear Beautiful Magical Tillie.  We all love and miss you more every day.





You are taking so many of us with you as you go. 
 

6 comments:

Anna See said...

I am so sorry for your loss! As much as I get frustrated with the dog hair and the demands for dinner at 2:30 pm, I know we would be devastated to lose our Shadow. xo

Anonymous said...

Beautiful tribute <3 <3

OSMA said...

Oh Anna, thank you for not thinking I'm ridiculous. You are suffering such great loss and here you are sending me love for mine. Tillie is a very special girl. She is the Dalai-Lama of dogs. She has kindness and tolerance where mistrust should be. She is mourned by an entire community of people as so many were instrumental is rescuing her from the kill shelter then caring for her, her puppies, then her two hip surgeries. Tillie brought blessings wherever she roamed and my family and I were so lucky she came to us, even if on borrowed time. xoxo

Anonymous - Thank you so much. I'm going to self medicate with a long night sleep. xoxo

DawnGes said...

Dear OSMA,
I, too, am so very sorry for your loss--what an awful, devastating week your family has been through!

Tillie sounds amazing, and I love your encouragement to savor each moment with our canine children and/or family and friends.

Julie, an official blogger... said...

This is so beautiful, Erin. I've been thinking of you everyday. xo

OSMA said...

DawnGes - Thank you for your words. Tillie is amazing and she has taught me so much about re-prioritizing important things. I thought I had it together but wasn't really loving on anyone enough before she came along. I loved on her so much my arms feel empty and I'm going around squeezing my wriggly kids who are wondering what is wrong with their mother.

Julie- Thank you. I know you understand she is not "just a dog" because none of them are when they walk through your door and your heart. I hope you are doing well. Did you lose power too?