One weird thing about being a mom is the fact that you don't "fit" anywhere else. Maybe it's just me but I've found that the things I once enjoyed and the people I chose to surround myself with don't feel right anymore. I don't belong in those places, with those people anymore because I'm not that person anymore. I'm a mom and only a mom. I don't even really fit in new places or with new people quite well either. I feel awkward, ill-at-ease, apologetic, and generally socially inept. These are new characteristics I've picked up since having babies. It's starting to bother me.
I get that when you throw yourself into a lifestyle it can be dangerous. It can be risky because that lifestyle may outgrow you some day. This is true for full time mothering. The people you spend your time mothering will outgrow you one day. Fact. That's how nature designed it. Then what. Then what. Then what.
Right now the actual skeleton in my body aches because I'm dragging my bones around without their permission. But this post isn't about how tired I am. We're all tired. You can't compare tireds. Nobody wins that contest and it doesn't matter in the end. What matters is that at the end of my day I have sold myself out. I have given my best until only my worst comes out. It's not a good plan. It's not any plan. It's reacting to my current situation, not solving it smartly.
My current lot is a rare opportunity to spend hours upon hours upon days and more days with my children. This is unique and almost unheard of in this country. If I stay on top of that thought, I have a sweet perspective on things and can give my children my everything. But lately I've been asking myself, is that really the point? Will my kids be just fine, if not better, if I give them a portion of me and protect the rest for myself? If I don't nurture myself first then I have not taught them well. I have not taught them to look out for themselves first, then others. I have not given them the right example in the end. Because in the end, if I've done my job and served them correctly, I will be waving goodbye to healthy, confident, independent young adults who are able to care for themselves so well that they do not need me as their full time mother anymore. And that is exactly what scares me the most if I don't start figuring out just who I am today.