Friday, July 9, 2010

Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program

Sorry I was MIA yesterday. I didn't intend on taking a day off from my favorite thing in the world (favorite aside from my family, elastic waistbands and anything French vanilla) which is blogging but I had a good reason. At least I think it's a good reason. Here, you be the judge. Some time yesterday Grayson came to me and said, "Mommy, I have something to show you."

"Is it going to be gross? I'm kind of over gross."

"No Mommy, it's not gross but it IS creeeepy."

"Well this I gotta see."

We ran around to the backyard where said creepy thing was found. I was mentally prepping myself for creepy. A deceased baby bunny with flies buzzing around? A small nest of birds with cracked embryos spewing into the grass? I'm ready. Give it to me, Kid.

We arrive on the scene and he points to this.

And in case the gravity of this image has not hit home yet, here's a closer look of its old skin. You know, the old skin that it sloughed off because it GREW LARGER, eats Yorkshire Terriers whole and probably lives in my bathtub drain?

Now, one in relation to the children.

Now one to understand the girth.

(Keep in mind that my fingers are the size of large Vienna sausages.
Okay fine, extra large.)

Ever since this new discovery of our most recent tenant, I have been doing nothing but FAH-REEEEEAAAKING out. I called my husband who has been on travel up north all week.

"Honey, Oh my God, Honey - you have to see this thing. It's an anaconda, it's a freaking saber tooth copperhead sperm whale giant Brazilian Portuguese speaking snake and it's LIVING in our AIR CONDITIONER!!!! Seriously, I am not making this up. It is HUGE and you have to see this. Hold on, I'm sending you a picture of it. Call me back when you get it. CALL ME BACK BEFORE NIGHTFALL IF YOU LOVE ME!"

It's important to stay calm in the face of adversity. I'm nothing if not an excellent example for the children.

Twenty minutes later I get a text back on my phone that says this:
"Big one, honey."

Thanks Mister Verbosity. Don't know what I'd do without your running commentary on how to proceed with this current dire and life threatening situation. Good thing we have technology or else I might not trust my own visual standard of space and time and confuse this snake as a little one or a medium one or one that is slightly less than big but larger than "Get the rifle, kids!" Fine, I will take matters into my own hands.

So I grabbed my Nikon and shot this bastard from every angle known to man and sent it right to my landlord. Because he has time for me and will certainly respond accordingly with the exact urgency and concern in the tenor of his voice, right?

He never called back.

So here I am, home alone with two small children and an imagination overwrought with images of Labrador and/or sweaty-headed-child eating snakes. Every single drain in my house is a potential gateway or welcome sign for this thing to slither on in and bask in the tropical heat that is our upstairs floor. There is not one ounce of me that can relax long enough to sleep without images of it curling up next to Abby in her crib for body heat. I even made Grayson sleep in my room last night just so I would hear him scream when the reptilian monster began swallowing his little toes. Have you people ever seen Nat Geo? This happens, you guys. And it is rumored to happen to people with a penchant for dramatics and strawberry flavored Cheerio crumbs in the carpet. We are totally screwed.

Again, it's crucial to keep things in perspective so as not to alarm the children or make them aware of the fact that their mother has negative coping skills for bigass snakeskins found millimeters from their (oft used! holy @#%@$^!) basement door. Holy Mother Nature, you suck sometimes. The Cadillac bee-like cicada killers all hopped up on HGH in our front yard were certainly enough without adding the lizard king in our back yard. My flowers haven't been watered since June because those effers buzz louder than my Sonic toothbrush with new batteries. While the exterminator promises me that these guys are harmless, it's a tough thing to remember when they zoom around my babies' heads like kamikaze zeppelins with stingers.

So please forgive me for not writing yesterday. I was busy building an underground tunnel to a gorgeous high rise in the middle of Central Park. I highly doubt Jake the Snake will find us there. Unless of course he's already taken up residence in my suitcase. Which is in Grayson's closet. Which is dark and humid and...oh my god, someone pass me a machete.


Crystal D said...

This is my favorite post ever. It is comforting to know that you reacted EXACTLY how I would. But you are missing the part where you grab up the kids in their PJs to go sleep in a hotel.
So, unless someone has found that child eater, go now. Go check in to the Embassy Suites and send the bill to your landlord. :)

pajama mom said...
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pajama mom said...


One Sided Momma said...

crystal & pj - i'm so glad to hear that my reaction was in line with you two. i am much calmer now but let me tell you, i was very ready to pack a few boxes and leave that gigantic skin shedder no forwarding address. haven't seen any sign of him/her/it but then again, i have only been looking in drain holes, toilets, and cabinets. probably its under the house in a crawl space or living inside one of our mattresses. OMG!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Now THAT is funny. And totally gross - I can't believe you inserted your finger into that skin!

Funny enough - we once had a cicada killer living on the bush next to our front door. We thought it was a killer bee for a while.