House Rules

Like my brother says, Sparrow makes good on her name flying the coop every chance she gets.

Sparrow's chances increase when my husband is home.

You see, my husband is really great at many, many things but one thing forever eludes him: closing the garage door. He is just a Keep the Garage Door Open kind of guy.

So, in earnest effort to keep our dog (and children, not in that order) safe, I have declared with my mighty broomstick: HOUSE RULE: Garage Door Down. It's a rule. We don't break rules in this house. We eat, drink, and sleep rules around here because it's all I have left. I have no more youthful glow, no more poetic outlook, no more frozen yogurt in the freezer therefore rules are the only captain guiding this ship.

SO, yesterday Husband comes home to change out of uniform and head back out to the library until close. Simple evolution, maybe ten minutes.

At minute five, Husband offers to stay back with kids while I quickly walk the dogs. Agreed! I open the kitchen door to grab the leash to put on the dog who has just bolted ass down the driveway and into the woods across the street.

"What the??? Who left the...? Why in the world would you...? It's a RULE!"

And then I completely lose my sh*t. Or regressed into a four year old, either description works.

Spinning in some kind of puffy jacket circle of hate, me and my many layers begin rant: "It's a RULE, YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE GARAGE DOOR DOWN...I'm not NOT NOT going to get her. YOU have to go get her. I'm NOT going to get her AGAIN after YOU left the garage door down AGAIN. I am NOT, I WILL not, I HAVE not." (Wth? Olde English?) As my tongue picks up speed inside my mouth, I realize I have spun my sorry butt downstairs to yell, pout and stomp my feet in our basement.

After seeing I'm not helping matters, I go peek on Husband to check what kind of progress has been made in Find Lost Sparrow so I can stop spinning once and for all.

Husband has not made visible progress. He is there, one foot hiked up on kitchen bench, untying his four mile long lace Marine boots.

"Aren't you gone yet?" Good one, Einstein. Definitely tough one to figure out on the physical presence of him still in the kitchen. "I cannot go out like this, in uniform. I am trying to get out of uniform to go get the dog." He says rather evenly like a normal human being.

"WHAT?! I could've already ran up the street by now and found her but blah blah bladitity blah blah..." I prattle off un-evenly as I make haste past him, through the garage, and down the street.

Sparrow is gone. I do not even know which way to start.

I stand stone still to listen: Rustling leaves. Dogs barking down the street. Man walking toward his backyard with annoyed expression. All great signs!

I find Sparrow at a nearby house, sniffing the fence of some little cockapoos or yorkapugs or something small breed and aromatic.

She ducks my first attempts and we play a nice round of Hide & Seek before a young boy walks toward her (on his way home from school) which scares the bumblebees out of her enough so I can grab her collar.

On our way home, Grayson catches up with me huffing and puffing about the keys, do I have the keys.

House keys? Ummm, no. I barely have my sanity, boy, I for sure did not grab house keys.

Grayson runs back to Husband who is in our garage wearing civilian clothes and holding what looks like a spatula.

"We're locked out of our house, Mommy!" Grayson sings through hops of sheer delight.

"Seriously."

My husband and I do not even speak.

I check the back for open windows. Not a chance, I am like a freaking rockstar Mole Person and never leave anything unlocked when I'm alone at home with the kids. With my garage door down.(!!)

Within minutes (?!?!?!)we are back in. I will not tell you how or give more details other than to say my husband is very resourceful with garage tools (not the spatula) when he needs to be.

Dude cannot close a garage door to save his soul but he can get his family back inside a warm house within minutes.

And really, when you think about it? I'm the one who let her go. House Rule# 2: Always CHECK to make sure garage door is down.