Wednesday, September 24, 2014
That's what my brother writes in his journal every night, before he goes to sleep. He summarizes his day in an 1 inch by 1 inch square, highlighting in pen what stands out the most. An artist of paraphrasing over a miniature scale of time.
"I forgot to wish Paulo a Happy Birthday," he tells me over the phone recently.
"How did you know it was his birthday? Facebook?"
"My calendar. I saw it on my calendar from last year." Ah, what a treasure trove of important events my brother has created for himself, all the recipients of his birthday wishes, and beyond.
"It's been twelve years since you adopted Sadie." I know, she's almost 13.
"You moved to Pennsylvania nine years ago yesterday." Nine? Why does it feel like twenty?
"We visited Dad in Texas in 2001." Holy sh*t, your calendars go way back, man.
I think about what it means to my brother to write those words in the "tomorrow" box every night.
Yes, yes, we do wake up. Every morning. To this new place again. When we are lucky.
Lately, I feel so lucky to wake up and find my children small. Oh good, you're still little as though the heavy hours of my soupy sleep has aged them exponentially. My dreams are fierce, twisted, barrier crossers and I'm too tired to be in them anymore by morning.
Daylight is fanning through lazy blinds, iCarly is on low volume in the living room, and the coffee pot is hissing from the kitchen. All this familiar glints beautifully through a bothersome world beneath. My dreams have no power over me here. Thickness fades while blinking and oxygen feel like rebirth.
"Goodbye, Daddy, I love you," whisper-shouts my son as Andy gathers his backpack, a piece of half toasted raisin bread most likely in his teeth.
"I love you, too."
I am so grateful to wake up. To wake up here in a real world filled with delicious sounds of small children, busy husband, happy dogs, and one very naughty kitten. It is a world filled with daylight and decaf, T-shirts and dishwashers, fundraisers and overcooked chicken, kisses and fights.
It's the world I love to live. To devour by the hour, staving off the night.
I'm so lucky to wake up.