Wednesday, July 2, 2014

To Detoxify or Not, That is the Question

Two days ago, I received a text from a super in shape buddy of mine.  She asked if I wanted to join her for Dr. Oz's 3-Day Detox since we've talked about it in the past.  Glancing at the ingredients list I decided I was in.  Spinach, raspberries, coconut water, almond butter, hells yeah.  This is what I usually eat so why not use Andy's new baby Ninja food processor to make these foods into smoothies?

Because once you do that, they're no longer food, that's why. 

Holy crap, you guys.  I had no idea how much I love food.  I always poke fun at Andy for being the foodie but Day 2 on this smoothie detox (Is it a juice cleanse? Not really, very chunky.) and I'm so ready to park it in a pizzeria and crawl into the nearest meatball, fork first.  I actually might just use my hands, I am that damn delusional. 

Day 1 was traumatic with feeling subhuman-tired with a headache the likes of caffeine withdrawal (btw, I am relatively caffeine free so that wasn't cause)  but Day 2 has me barely functioning as a responsible citizen.  We were coming home from a play date and I stopped our minivan in the middle of the road to admire flowers in a neighbor's yard   They've always been there because they're huge and lanky but I've never noticed them.  "Whoah, look at the color on those petals, you guys.  It's like magenta dipped in milk."
"Mom.  There are cars behind us.  You need to go."  

"I mean, I can almost smell vanilla..."


It was obviously a dairy mirage.  What's next.  Will Andy stride through the door and I'll eye him sideways while asking for a serrated knife?  "Honey, have you been working out?"  My carnivore nature knows no bounds.  It's been over 48 hours without chicken meat and eggs and I'm beginning to lose my sh*t. 

Except, I licked the spatula from this morning's egg burrito breakfast for the kids.  My tongue no sooner left the station when I had scandalous egg in my mouth and exploding all over my tastebuds.  SWEET JESUS these eggs are AMAZING. 

Detoxing wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the blistering headache driving through my temples into my spleen.  I'm not even sure I can take a Motrin because all that synthetic stuff would surely count as a "tox" of which I'm trying to "de"?  

After cheating with the egg spatula, I recommitted.  

Until lunch.  When I was met with a situation.  My friend and I had gotten together with our kids at a park.  We (my kids and I) sweat our weight off by barely moving.  We are very lucrative with our sweat glands here in The Big Easy.  I could see Grayson raining from his earlobes.  Abby was doing better but only because she was siphoning Gatorade from my snack pack at an alarming rate.  So, my kind friend suggests we grab lunch in a place with air conditioning to get everyone out of the heat.  

And here's when life decisions get tricky for me.  Just for me.  Normal people would've simply explained the hardship of not having their blender and 12 ingredients with them in a polite manner.  But at that moment in time, I didn't want to deny my friend's invitation to lunch thus prioritizing my detox. This detox, let's revisit, I accepted on a whim - for no reason whatsoever other than I like my friend - this detox that I'm totally committed to until I'm holding a cheesy egg riddled spatula that I can't keep away from my suck-hole?  

Oh yes, there was cheese on that spatula.

The detox rid my confident body of no.

Off we went to a cute place so our kids could eat and I could bumble awkwardly around a menu that didn't serve Dr. Oz's 3-Day Detox smoothie.  Crap.  What to do.  Order food that I stare at like it is illegal in the state of Lousiana.  I whisper, "I'll take the spinach salad please."  It arrives moments later:  fatty spinach leaves with succulent cranberries, cinnamon walnuts, and delicious dressing on the side.  There are beautiful puffs of goat cheese all over it and I don't know what to do.  I love goat cheese.  Like it's sick how much goat cheese I don't mind eating.  And it was all mine for the taking if I wanted to dive off the detox wagon and into Normal Life Land.  I didn't eat the cheese.  I cry with you. 

So here I am now:  a guilt-stricken, migraine having, food eating, bona fide spatula licker by noon on Day 2.  
Detoxes are hard.  And possibly for people who have a real drive to do them.  I've lost a couple pounds so far but this thumping bear in my skull is making me not care two bear poohs about numbers. 

But I'm in this far and am curious if maybe by Day 3 my system will feel brighter, more hopeful, and less hating the sun.

My plan is to stick with it for the rest of today and tomorrow.  But if this cranium throbbing doesn't let up by noon?  I will personally buy you our first round of burritos (extra guac) at my favorite Mexican place.

We'll even ask for goat cheese.


Anonymous said...

You kill me and your writing is my favorite. " I'm not even sure I can take a Motrin because all that synthetic stuff would surely count as a "tox" of which I'm trying to "de"?" I seriously couldn't stop reading your writing if I tried.

OSMA said...

Dear Anonymous, every once in a while some wonderful soul leaves a comment I come back to over and over again to see if it's still there. As if someone might come along to delete the generous gift. Thank you so much for your words. They're like gasoline for my rusty engine and I appreciate them more than you know.

Andrea Mowery said...

This is hilarious, awesome writing, and I totally feel your pain. My husband and I went on a juice cleanse / detox / self-torture exercise three times.

The first time, I lost 12 pounds and was singing at the top of every mountain at the end. It was the best I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt like Julie Andrews when she finally shed her nundom for the likes of sexy Nazi-escaping Austrian Christopher Plummer.

The second time, I nearly gnawed my arm off as I crawled into Day 5, weeping into the chicken nuggets I prepared for my kids. I ate chicken nuggets for dinner that night.

The third time, I simply said "This is bullsh*t" on Day 2 and ordered my husband never to suggest this nonsense again.