Irreverent, How You Like It

Dear Jimmy,

Three things: 

1)  So I'm texting your Brendan when Mom tries to call.  I call her back.  Busy signal.  Call back, busy again.  Third try I get her; I am laughing because who gets two busy signals in 2013?  Her voice is weird.  I think she's laughing too:  You know.        Mom.Know what?Mom, what's wrong.         You don't know?            Mom, tell me, what is it?                                 Oh Honey.......Oh....Uncle Jimmy died today.

I hyperventilate into the phone.

"Oh God, you're in the car?  Oh God, Erin, pull over.  Pull over.  Have Andy come pick you up."

More hyperventilating.

"Oh my God, HONEY, pull OVER!"

And I do but not before screaming NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO OH GOD NO NO NO OH GOD JIMMY NO NO NO OH MOM NO NO NO F YOU GOD NO NO NO NOT JIMMY.

I know you appreciate the fact I almost took out an entire street worth of people while denying myself any hope of joining you in heaven by telling God to F off upon hearing you died today.

You died today.

You died today.

You. died. today.

I have said it out loud a million times so it will stop floating above my grasp like that ghostly strand of hair you feel but can't yank out.  Those words grow echoes for three days straight.  On the fourth day, they stop.

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2)  At your viewing, Mary asks if I want a few minutes in the room to say goodbye privately.  I say yes, plod down the hall and peek into the room with your casket.

"Oh!"

My chest caves.  Andy holds me up until I can control the heaving.  "It doesn't even look like him," I finally whisper.  Andy takes the bull by the horns and walks straight in with his shoulders Marine strong.

I am standing outside the door of a stranger's viewing wondering how death could change our handsome Jimmy into George Burns. 

Andy comes out shaking his head.

"It's not him, is it?" I'm laughing a little now.

It doesn't look like you because it isn't you.  It's some poor dear little old Rip Van Winkle looking soul with a cap on his head.  Mr. Winkle is resting peacefully but he is definitely not you.


Good one.  Still the life of the party even though the party is a funeral...for you. 

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3)  I know you can't visit Mom yet in her dreams or in her mind or on her computer screen because she is not in a good place yet but first chance you get?  Go in.  She needs to know you're there and ok about the whole thing.   Well, maybe not the whole thing but the last part where you see Boompa, she takes your hand and leads you to the land of love, beauty, and peace.

Thank you for bringing me peace today.  It has lasted all day but now is gone, leaving me to pace inside my own skin .  Grief feels so very loud at night. 




I love you to the bone.  And no, I'm not smiling now.

But I will.  Someday in Subway or Target or IHOP when I hear the elevator version of Wild World.  Or maybe it will be more obvious than that.  Like tonight during dinner with just me and the kids.  Grayson turns to me out of the blue and says, "Mom, I'm sorry Jimmy died.  You know?  He is where everything is good.  No headaches, no bad people, only good things.  But it's ok to miss him." 

Holy on all things holy do I miss him.